我沒有說謊 是愛情說謊
它帶你來 騙我說渴望的有可能有希望
*
there were strong feelings, no doubt about it. if not i wouldn't be compulsed to avoid you, while feeling the pain from not talking to you when i have the opportunity to. maybe you have sensed me trying to steer away from you, or maybe you haven't noticed, just like how you didn't realised until recently that i've changed my phone. i wasn't around when you were around. and when we both meet, i would probably go away after a while. because i don't want to be too near to you for such a long period of time. my mind will go overdrive, and i wouldn't be myself again.

but like what 何言風 told 陳寶茱 in 海派甜心, avoiding you is just escaping from the problem. i should face you until eventually i would find myself indifferent to what you do, and with my emotions stable and unwavering. that's when i would have really put those feelings for you behind.

i don't know what's the status of my feelings for you right now, because i can get myself to avoid you rationally, but i can't stop the tears from falling emotionally. last week was crazy cuz that's the day which i've cried the most after so long. i told myself it was hormonal imbalance, and i needed time to adjust, but i guess it's because there's a part of me still unwilling to face the truth that was told to me a few weeks ago. but then again, since i'm willing to write this for the whole world to see, i guess i'm pretty at peace with some of my inner demons. irregardless whether you are around or not, i will do things the way i want it to be, and not do stupid things like what i've done in the past.

you treat me as a friend, no doubt about it. so it lies on me entirely to put everything behind, and put my life on track again. it's getting back very soon, so just give me more time. not that you would have sensed it anyway...

goodbye.
1:59 AM

9:50 PM

屋頂的天空是我們的
放學後夕陽 也都會是我們的
不會再仰慕更多了
唱一首屬於我們的歌
讓我們的傷 都慢慢慢的癒合
明天我又會是全新的

青春是手牽手坐上了 都不回頭的火車
總有一天我們都老了
不會遺憾就OK了

傷心的都忘記了 只記得這首笑忘歌
那一年天空很高風很清澈
從頭到腳趾都快樂
我和你都約好了
要再唱這首笑忘歌
這一生只願只要平凡快樂
誰說這樣不偉大呢

自己和自己打一架了
想都想不通 反正就是這樣了
不會再流淚更多了
有多少錯誤重蹈覆轍
有多少苦痛 還不是都過來了
想起來甚至還會笑呢

青春是人生的實驗課 錯也錯得很值得
就算某天唱起這首歌
眼眶會有一點濕了

傷心的都忘記了 只記得這首笑忘歌
那一年天空很高風很清澈
從頭到腳趾都快樂
我和你都約好了
要再唱這首笑忘歌
這一生只願只要平凡快樂
誰說這樣不偉大呢
5:34 PM

5jan had came by and left many days ago, and i feel surreal being officially 21. many said i was the first to turn 21 amongst their friends, but seriously, i dun feel 21. i still feel insecure, i'm still unsure of how the world goes, and i still lack the confidence which i thought i should have by the time i'm 21. i still feel 18, or even 16.

being 21 do has its benefits, such as watching r21 (not that i really want) movies, going into the casinos (not that i really want to gamble), no need to get parents to sign indemnity forms, and the list goes on. but am i really ready to be responsible for myself now? am i truly free? not necessary. after all, parents will always regard their children as children because to them we will never grow up. 10 years down the road my mum would probably be fussing about whether i have my meals regularly.

on the other hand, being 21 means that i'm a year older, and i can't pretend to be young too much, even though i still look as though i'm a secondary, if not junior college, student. a few weeks ago, i showed gina a jacket which i liked, and she pointed out that after a few years i wouldn't be able to wear it, because it's kinda kiddy printed. as females, we would have to buy lesser loud t-shirts, and go for muted, basic tops so as to fit our age. i'm glad that i still have 3.5years in university, because it's probably the last few years which i can be crazy and have the best time of my life.

i still have some laments about being 21yearsold, but i guess i should stop now because life shouldn't be wasted dwelling on those stuff when i can do other things like reading books etc. Douglas Preston & Lincoln Child's Brimstone is worth reading, because i'm reading it any moment that i can. not to mention the readings i would need to start covering in order to improve on my gpa this sem.

school has started yesterday, and i went for my first lecture tired, even though it was a 1.30pm lecture. my body is still accustomed to just having fun everyday, thus i tuned out towards the end of the lecture as the lecturer gave her introductory lecture - it was just an overview but she just kept talking! zomg.

went for another lecture today. even though it's a topic that i'm kinda interested - Rise of The West, but after reading the course outlines and stuff i find that it's not suitable for me, and many people had said that i was crazy to have 23aus when the recommended aus for me is 18/19 aus. (i had 21aus last sem). thus i've dropped it, and have my tuesdays free! if only the 204 lecture (which is tmr) can be put on monday/thursday/friday, because i only have that lecture on my wednesdays! i foresee me ponning alot of sessions. lol. :x

it has been a great 2009, and hopefully i would have an even better 2010!
5:01 PM

心疼的玫瑰 半夜還開著
找不到匆匆掉落的花蕊
回到現場卻已來不及
等待任何回音都不可得

微弱的風箏 冬天裡飄著
回不去手中纏線的那個
沒有藍天 又何必去飛 怎麼適合

黑色笑靨掉了 雪白眼淚掉了
該出現的所有表情瞬間掉了
瞳孔沒有顏色 結了冰的長河
回憶是最可怕的敵人
故事情節掉了 主角對白掉了
該屬於劇中的對角戲也掉了
胸口沒有快樂 斷了翅的白鴿
不枯萎的藉口全掉了

曾經唱過的歌 分享過的笑聲
在心中不斷拉扯
想念不能承認 偷偷擦去淚痕
冬天過了還是會很冷
1:44 AM

HAPPY 2010!

it had been a great 2009 with lotsa new changes and things that happened to my life. for example, working in a production company for 1 mth (march? to end april) and had the first hand feeling of being exploited in the working world. nonetheless, i had enjoyed the company (except for my bosses) during the period of my work, and i may consider going into that line of work after graduation.

next is getting my driving licence in may! but i haven't been driving ever since i've gotten into uni so my skills are kinda rusty. :P

next up is definitely about me entering university! sociology is actually kinda difficult to study if you hate to do readings. but to those engineers they think that it's easier cuz it's just reading and then smoke your way through during tutorials cuz it's mainly about discussion! lol. but actually i realised the first year stuff (sem 1 for now) are quite similar across the core modules, cuz i practically wrote the same theory for my 3 papers. though i didn't score very well for all my subjects (with hs101 the main disappointment), but i think judging from the fact that i didn't study for proper exams for like 1yr plus i think it's quite good already. onward to sem2 we go!

other than studies there's also the hall and cca life. hall9 has been a great hall, and i think even given a choice i would still choose to stay there, with or without the aircon. i like the fact that some of the rooms are facing each other, and it's nice to just shout over to each other to go for meals! (be it from lvl 5 to lvl3) i love walking over to other ppl's rooms and chitchat! feels very homely yeah. (: and i've made great friends in hall9, mainly from 47! ppl like gina mesy xueshen and many others! love the time i spend in hall with great company (:

then there's odac. i admit that i would spend more time in hall than odac, because i'm in hall most of the time, and odac dun have fixed meetings. but i still feel belonged in odac, even though i didn't go for some of the major events or any of the december trips. adsports have been great, with fun ppl inside! the recent trip to batu pahat (30-31dec) had been great cuz i've chatted more to the ppl whom i don't talk much during meetings and stuff. am looking forward to the upcoming events in sem2! (more stuff about batu pahat next time)

judging from my schedule i believe at the very least the first half of 2010 would be great, fun and fulfilling! it may be tiring, but i believe it's worth it. (:

may you have a great 2010 ahead!
3:54 AM