i'm just a dumbass/moron/idiot who cannot even do one single damn thing right. so much for trying to be myself when it seems like e old me is more sensible than e current me, when i had probably used my brain more than i used my heart to think.

to hell with all those follow your heart shit, because i followed my heart, and what i gained are truckloads of regret and hurting those that i really held close to my heart. if i could turn back time, there's seriously a hell lot of things that i wish i could change.

keeping things to yourself is definitely much better than sharing it, even if that meant more emotional turmoil and more internal struggle. at least you're not implicating other people with your own problems. at least you would not have to worry being backstabbed by the people who you would never believe had done so. at least you would not be tired from trying to speculate whether that person had backstabbed you or not.

now i know why people do not want to grow up. the whole issue of putting up a mask does not exactly work for me, because i would just spill my guts out, even before confirming that the listening party is really trustworthy. i can never guess what is the other party thinking, because i do not have the sufficient brainpower to. i only have a blind heart. i would rather be at a age where i had known nothing about the term of backstabbing. because life would definitely be simpler.

like i've said earlier, i'm very sorry about what has happened today. very sorry that i had used my heart and not my brain to think. and very sorry for yakking about my problem which seems so insignificant as compared to yours. come to think about, my problem is just plain bullshit which i could have just shrugged it off. but like i've told you, you are not a saint. even if you have decided to carry on with what you want to do, it might not work out after all, and it might just backfire on you. i know your concerns, but we have our concerns of seeing you being okay too.

this world suddenly seems so bleak where we are forced to make choices everyday. maybe ceasing to exist could have been a good thing, because you would not have to face dilemmas which would make you so torn up inside.

it's not as though i do not know about what is going on. i can feel it. it's just that there is nothing else that i could do except to shut my mouth and not make any noise about it. after all, i'm in no position to comment about anything, because it's definitely a mistake right from the start. a mistake that i could have avoided if i had used my brain and not my heart to think. if given a chance, i would rather that day had never occurred at all. then things would be so much more simpler and i would not be wasting my time thinking about what i know is already happening. i'm just not willing to face it, because it hurts knowing that you could not question the reliability of the answer given to your question and you could not question for the second time, for the sake of the friendship that i want to hold on to.

but well, life has to move on. since i can't get involved in that anymore, i shall put it all behind me and start my life afresh, without the certain factors that had disturbed me in the past up till today. the friendship is more important after all.

i know what's the deal about me that is so wrong, but i just do not have the discipline to change it thoroughly. may this be the wake up call for me to wake up and be focused on what i'm supposed to do.

anything else will just have to take a backseat.
10:46 PM