for starters, YES i agree with you that i DO have a lot of friends. and at the same time, i'm very aware that all majority of those friends are just friends or even mere accquaintances. and i'm not pining my hopes high that they would stand by me through thick and thin. i've been through many times scanning the phone book in my handphone and realised that i don't have friends that i can sms in the middle of the night. you said i'm not being a good friend myself and i also know that. i've been away from my classmates for a period of time for the second semester and i've regretted damn badly. i've been trying to salvage the relationship with my classmates and i'm still trying. for xingzhi's case, i know he disliked ventures, and finding out that he hated ventures is another thing. for the cycling thing i didn't know that i've actually complained to you about it. in case you didn't know, i went through a hell day just for settling the damn permit when i'm not even in the committee. and i did give him suggestions to do this and that.

as for you. i don't know whether i've told you before (i think i did), i can't outtalk you. the majority of what i've said would probably be rebutted back by you and i would be speechless cuz i can't think of a rebuttal. when you told me or wrote those things out, i didn't give you decent answers cuz i can't think of a decent answer to tell you! all that i can say are the cliche things that other people, whom you would tell the things to too, would have told you! listen, i admit that i'm stuck in my world and i'm still not exposed to the gory that the outside world has. i'm still freaking sheltered by my family and all i can do is secretly rebel inside. that's why i suck at interpersonal relationships and i still haven't learn enough to handle the world yet. maybe i should tag around you more to see how you manage your relationships around with people eh. i told you before that you can take a break when you wanted to, and that is before i know that you were that sick. i told you i can't guarantee cuz there's still a lot of things for me to learn. and after this part you just say that's so fake and cliche eh. cuz i'm still so naive and could not think as critically as you do.

maybe you're right that i don't feel anything. when i first read your entry i felt some sort of anger, cuz some stuff i don't agree with you. but as i type this entry out, it just suddenly fades away. it feels just like the thing that happened three years ago, when i saw that sms and felt so shocked that it actually came from you. except that this time there's more things involved, and i'm agreeing with what you have said.

i don't know what the outcome would be after i post this entry online. but you are someone that i really cherished as a friend. someone who would listen to all sorts of nonsense from me, give me sound advice and tell me about the politics that i never knew. they were really enlightening. sorry for not giving sound advice, cuz i'm never experienced in things that you're going through and i can't even think for myself. to tell the truth, i only think of myself as a close friend of yours, partly and that's because of stjohn. if not for that, you wouldn't be telling me some of the stuff, cuz you don't even let me know whether you're alive or dead. it's not as if i can sense your emotions or what.

truth does hurt. thanks for letting me know that.

2306hrs

on another note. it just seems so amazing that a world can crash down like that. what i once believed and had faith in have become like that. you know what, for a period of time i was even terrified to see you coming online, because i'm afraid that you would want me to think of solutions when all i can give you are seemingly feeble.

it's getting tiring from listening two sides when i can't even decide on my own how to feel and how to view the whole situation. yet i do not want either party to drift away even when i'm not of importance to either of them.

perhaps solitude is more suitable for me. even though i hate it.

2321hrs
10:27 PM